A servant enrolled his donkey in a race and won. The local newspaper reads “SERVANT’S ASS WON”.

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the servant not to enter the donkey in another race. Next day the local paper headline read: “KING SCRATCHES SERVANT’S ASS”.

This was too much for the king, he ordered the servant to get rid of the donkey. He gave the donkey to the queen. The local paper headline the next day was “QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN”.

The king fainted.

Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$. Next day paper read: “QUEEN SELLS ASS FOR 10$”.

This was too much, king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and lead it to jungle. The next day headline : “QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE”.

The king was buried next day!

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” The teacher said, “Sorry Paddy, that’s not correct.”

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.” The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.”

Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said “David”, The Buddhist boy said “Gautama Buddha” and the Muslim boy said “Mohammed”.. They all were not successful.

Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”

The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I’ll give you the 10 pounds that I promised.”

As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, “You know Jignesh, since you’re a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”

Jignesh replied, “Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna , but Bijness is Bijness !!!!!!”

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 20th of June 2009.

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 20th of June 2009 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max

The reply

Dear Max,

Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.

Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the ‘VIP’. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.

Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.

Please also note that my sister is happily employed.

Yours perhaps, Samantha!

This time my friend Annkur {From OnlyGizmos} came up with a fantastic prank where he first put up a post about a very shameful job which he was doing for long while. He mentioned how he is feeling guilty for the job and how he badly wants to come back to being normal person in a descent job and how he is expecting his friends to support him with this. Many people actually replied to his blog post and it became a topic of discussion among his friends. Then on 1st April, he put up a post about the prank behind the post. I would proudly claim that I did not fall for the prank. However, I had given a thought to the post once. The only thing is I took it as some imaginative story so I did not comment on that. So in a way I was fooled and in a way I wasn’t.

The first one said,” During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick”

The second one said, ” Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it”

The third one sighed and said,” Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue”.

Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.

A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, “Hey what happened ? Who is that guy ? ”

One of the magicians whispered, “He is the World’s greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company’s balance sheet in front of everyone’s eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it “

Original source unknown…

Security Officer -> Announcement started, “Dear Employees – With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% employee. While moving in who-so-ever’s ID card won’t work are laid off & all their belongings will be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this approach as we don’t want to fill email box size with layoff mail in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office”. Hope you have nice career ahead. Please move in & try your luck.

Source: E-mail forwards..

A creation of: xkcd

1. When real @lkadvani uses a smartphone in public to tweet.

2. When autowallah’(auto-rickshaw) tweet a joke you just cracked..

3. When my techtard GF asks me about twitter

4. When my boss fires me through a tweet and later hands a official confirmation letter.

5. When Twitter is used as a source in mainstream media to validate news like Rajdeep Sardesai using twitter as source in media.

6. All early twitter adopters & lovers leave twitter when everyone’s distant uncle also uses it & pesters you on HOWTO use it.

7. When you get DM like “Hi. wanna be friends . I am good in school”

8. When you set twitter as your homepage of your computer.

9. When you hear girls talking about Twitter in #CCD and how they keep a check on their BF’s with it.

10. When a beggar tweets 4 begging; you RT instead of asking him to go ahead, then one user offers him help and reply his tweet!!

11. When newspapers have a separate section called “What’s Hot from Twitterverse”.

12. When agencies coming out with internet usage report have a twitter usage section.

13. When even *lala* companies have a genuine twitter handle.

14. When Amitabh Bachchan or Shahrukh Khan is caught tweeting in public and people start stalking them on twitter and newspapers splashes it.

15. When report suggests that “Mobile sales has gone up because of this unique geek service called Twitter”

16. When a movie called “Kaho na Tweet hain..” releases and its a major blockbuster hit.

17. When people around you uses WTF, #FAIL, ROFL, FTW terminologies to your surprise.

18. SS, MNS start tweeting from the places they are wrecking -> Just broke a shopper’s stops glass door, kaay majja aali [In english - What fun]

19. Twitter releases its service in 18 languages including tamil, telugu, malayalam, hindi and marathi!

20. When *twitter* becomes a noun rather than a verb in official dictionary.

21. When people starts tweeting “your pic is very nice, wanna make frandship”.

22. When a guy asks his future wife about her twitter handle and disqualifies her on grounds of non-twit existence & vice-versa.

23. When government applications ask for twitter names along with email IDs and phone numbers.

24. When a book on Twitter is authored by an Indian and it goes into the best selling list in Crosswords.

25. When you name your child as Twitter instead of Ram, Rahul or Raj.

26. When you start giving gaalis (Slang) in marathi – tujhya aayela… me follow karnar twitter var!

27. When twitter handle replaces CVs when applying for naukris (jobs).

28. When someone slaps you on twitter because you followed a girl that he was “interested” in.

29. When Barkha Dutt chooses to tweet on her BB before going live on NDTV.

30. (Farfetched but who cares!) When the “Ashoka Chakra” is replaced by @india

31. When India adopts the middle name concept. Only that the middle name is your twitter name.

32. When you are considered a registered party follower, if you just follow @congree or @BJP

33. When a minister says at a Press conference “As I tweeted it yesterday morning.. all these allegations are baseless”.

34. When your mother-in-law greets you pleasantly with twitter handle.

35. When Kaamwali bais (house maids) create a hashtag and bitch about their memsaabs.

36. When a major law suit takes twitter reference as evidence. Bwahahah!

37. When you have more twitter friends online than offline.

38. India’s most tech savvy politician starts a new party – Rashtriya Tweeple Sangh (RTS).

39. When BF/Husband organizes food safari/TwEAT up (he has to cook on his own) every weekend for his GF/Wife.

40. When you use twitter friends or some twitter alert app to remind you of all important meetings, dates etc.

41. When your whole family goes for a tweetup in the neighborhood.

42. When Government keep a “special twitter day” and declares it a national holiday.

43. When people use twitter to vote out corrupt a$$holes from even contesting elections.

44. When TRP of Television serials will be based on number of tweet it gets.

45. When parents say ‘Beta vaha pohachte hi Twitter karna’ [Son, tweet as soon as you reach...]

46. When Amitabh, Aamir and SRK have their own Twitter accounts and it becomes the Breaking News on Aaj Tak.

47. When railway stations will announce via twitter rather than by loudspeakers.

48. When ‘Hand’ is replaced by’@Handle‘ as the new logo of Congress.

49. When Abhishek fights with Salman and Vivek for Tweeting Aishwarya too much.

50. When our leaders ask for ‘Tweevotes‘ instead of ‘Votes’ during elections.

51. When visitng cards will have Twitter handles @handle instead of email ids.

52. When people vote with their tweet.

53. When every minute working of PM office and CM office will be tweeted in order to maintain transparency.

54. When the President announces a stamp or a coin with twitter emblem on top of it.

55. When the twitter birdie marries a male twitter birdie and we all attend the ceremony.

56. When guys will get dumped by their girls for not giving them ‘Twitterspace’.

57. When @sampad becomes famous because of this initiative ROFL [nevermind]

58. When mainstream media takes cues from this and prints all the ideas along with original twitter handles.

59. When a minister will tweet his resignation and send a DM to CM with plea not to accept the resignation.

60. When #Reliance will launch a company named BIGtwit.

61. When all the major CXO’s use twitter handle as sign offs in their outgoing emails.

62. When Re-Tweeting (RT) without prior permission will be considered as crime as per copyright law.

63. When parents use Twitter account in their daughter’s name to find a match for her.. and she doesn’t know about it.

64. When Aamir, SRK and Akshay use Twitter to promote their next big budget films.

65. WHen IIM’s ask students to appear for CAT on Twitter.

66. When every official communication will be limited to only 140 chars, including PR communication.

67. When every bollywood movie will have a twit version for those who are short of time.

68. When Indian IT compannies will ban all the sites which use Twitter.

69. When school exams will say ‘Answer in Twitter’ instead of ‘Answer in Brief’.

70. When next corporate scam T(P)ress release happens in twitter.

71. When more people start proposing on twitter.

72. When employess get fired for wasting too much time on Twitter.

73. When the TTE checks tickets and ids via twitter – TweetTickCheck.

74. When Election Commissioner announces Twitter Poll, and your twitpic gets a black twitmark to indicate u have voted.

75. When this blog post gets *fukat (free) footage* across mainstream media.

76. When someone live tweets his/her intimate moments just to get famous.

77. When TM will stand for Twitter Mark instead of Trade Mark.

78. When Indian post will launch T-post seva for those who don’t have access to twitter.

79. When twitterverse will be considered a parallel economy and people outside it will be considered an alien.

80. When Political Manifesto will be ‘Roti, Kapda, Makaan aur Twitter’ for aam aadmi.

81. When twitter team opens a grand new office in India, preferably in #bangalore, #gurgaon or #Hyderabad

82. When texting teens & tweens discover it.

83. When MNS will make it mandatory to type all Tweets in Marathi.

84. When I can order my #Pizza via twitter. And my mom can order her groceries via twitter.

85. When Twitter birdie becomes the next face of a brand like #Vodafone Pug but with permission.

86. When postman knocks at the door and says ‘Aaapka Tweet aaya hai’ [you tweet has come].

87. Twitter opens up a new TV channel with news coming from Hourly tweets.

88. The channel has a reality show called ‘Kaun Banega TwitterPati’.

89. When people join launage courses to learn new langauge – Twittsh.

90. Some time later an award winnig movie is released, called ‘TwitterDog Millionaire‘.

91. When PM addresses a Tweet Conference to the entire nation on Twitter.

92. When India hands over Tweets of terrorists as proof to Pak and Pak accepts it.

93. When people “tweet” instead of “order” food, groceries, DVDs, movie tickets etc.

94. When reality shows ask people to vote using tweet instead of SMS.

95. When Twitter becomes synonymous with social media in India.

96. When twitter is the topic of discussion between Obama & Indian PM in the next meeting.

97. When Ekta Kapoor makes a new serial ‘Kahani Twitter Twitter Ki‘ and will get highest TRPs (Twitter Rating Points).

98. When twitter saves the world from present recessionary gloom. You know how? I’m talking of more #Dell $1 Mn examples.

99. When Mumbai university introduces a new subject in colleges ‘Tweetology‘… and makes it compulsory.

100. When management colleges opens a new elective called “Tweetagement“.

101. … and Nobel prozes would be given for Tweetonomics.

102. When we have an Indian Twitterer like @scobleizer….

103. When a book is released ‘100 Signs of Twitter becoming mainstream in India‘ and becomes a best seller.

104. When twitter gets listed in stock exchange.

105. When self-help books like “You can twit” and “Facebooks from Mars and Twitters from Venus” sort of releases and will fill up in piles.

106. When Walkie-Talkies are replaced by Tweetie-Talkies in the army, with paandus, and other events.

107. When Indian Cricket Team has Twitter logo on their T-shirts and bats.

108. When we get paid for tweeting.

109. Amitabh ‘Mere pass gadi, bunglow hai, paisa hai.. tumhare pass kya hai?‘; Shashi Kapoor ‘Mere Pass TWITTER Hai‘.

110. When Indian advertising community uses Twitter to market products and ideas.

111. When a girl rejects a marriage proposal because the guy does not have too many followers on Twitter.

112. If real @lkadvani wins the elections and proclaims that twitter helped the cause.

113. …and opposition will be blamed for twitbot, cleanin up twitfeed n twit account hack, if election is lost!!

114. When we cross US in terms of Twitter users.

115. When people swear by twitter rather than gods & demi-gods!

116. When people start finding true match in twitter and not matrimonial sites.

1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don’t have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation…

5. What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company

6. What is your biggest weakness?
Girls

7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question “why are you looking for a change” and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job

11. What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I’ve gone through your website

14. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard.
(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)

PS: Those guys should pay me some bucks for branding them for free..

A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks..

The Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.’

I “I have crush on you”.
She: How dare you have a crush on me?

For a moment, I felt as if a Police inspector is asking me, “How dare you kill Mr Gupta? Well, I never knew having a crush on a girl is really that big crime like killing someone.

I: “What do you mean by How dare you? I got crush on you and it just happened”.
She: “I’m not that kind of girl.”

Well, only girls can come up with such kind of statements. What did she mean but “that kind of girl”? Did that mean “I’m not kind of girl who will get easily impressed. You will have to try very hard to impress me”. Or did that mean “I’m not the girl who wants to get into these relationships.” Or did that mean “I’m not kind of girl who will hate you for having crush on me”. Or did that mean “I’m not kind of girl who will find about crush by herself. You have to inform me in person”. Or did that mean…. Ok. Too many alternatives. Better to ask her.

I: What do you mean by *that* kind of girl?
She: Shut up.

Wow. That’s an innovative way to answer. Shut up. Two words. But when uttered with right intensity and pitch, create a fantastic impact. But why did she wanted me to shut up? Did i say anything wrong..? Anyways, its better not to ask for another clarification.

I: Sorry!!
She: Its okay.
I:(blank)
She: (with bit milder tone) So since when is this crush thing going?

Well, did that matter now? Are you gonna say yes if I say i’ve crush on you for 100 years. Or are you trying to find out the time invested by me on the crash and gonna calculate the ROI? Well, is their any return in the first place?

I: few months.
She: How many?

Well, she surely is trying to find out the time invested.

I: four months.
She: See Dinesh. You are a very nice guy.

If I’m really so nice guy, why are you not saying yes? Why are you trying to run away from me? Am I really a nice guy?

She: You are very nice, intelligent. Don’t fall into all these things. Concentrate on studies. You have big future in front of you.

Ya. All right. I have big future and there are many more girls who are gonna be part of my the crush story of my life. Thanks for making me realize that there are many more opportunities waiting for me in future.

I: Thanks. I hope there are no grudges in your mind. I just wanted to let you know the truth.
She: Of course. No grudges. Our friendship won’t change for this small thing.

Ohh.. so this is a small thing for us. Thank god. I thought for a moment that she will end up the friendship for this incidence. Or was I being too childish to think like that? Maybe yes..

I: Thanks
She: Btw, on this Rakhi, am gonna tie you a Rakhi.

Well, now that was a tsunami. So big punishment for such a small mistake? Now I realize how girls use this small dhaga of rakhi to keep the guys under control. Now I was supposed to treat a girl as my sister. The same girl I had crush on few minutes ago. WTF..

So that was the end of my first crush. It ended up adding one more girl to my sister’s list.

To be continued…

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an “A” for the exam. “

Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.”

PS: Mahesh Bhatt got fed up with Human romance and has decided to make a movie based on this news.

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

the first IT guy, “yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar.”
“What did you do?” says the other IT guy.
“Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to make her feel special”
“You’re kidding me!” says the second IT guy.
“Then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop.”

“Really? You got a new laptop? What configuration?”
“It’s a 1 GB RAM and mobile Internet connectivity card and 180GB HARDDISK, Wi-Fi, DVD-Writer………………….”

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop’s demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

“I don’t know how I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn’t.”

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy

Therefore,
Human – enjoy = Donkey + work

In other words,
Human that don’t enjoy = Donkey that work
===================================================

Equation 2

Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money

Therefore,
Men – earn money = Donkeys

In other words,
Men that don’t earn money = Donkeys
====================================================

Equation 3
Women = eat + sleep + spend

Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend

Therefore,
Women – spend = Donkeys

In other words,
Women that don’t spend = Donkeys
=====================================================

To Conclude:

From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don’t earn money = Women that don’t spend.

So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys!(Postulate 1)
And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys!(Postulate 2)

So, we have…

Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money

Therefore…from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together

Well, no comments on that..

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don’t have class ‘coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can’t give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don’t worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

But now they are called..
“Management Students“

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, “Son, what happened last night?” His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door”. Confused, the man asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, “LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!”

Moral
Self-induced hangover – $ 400.00
Broken crockery – $ 800.00
Breakfast – $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – “PRICELESS “

This snap was clicked by my friend Ajinkya {damn creative man he is let me tell you..}.

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You’re lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.

Cause: You’re looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You’re being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they’re taking you.

5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You’re in an ambulance.
Cure: Don’t move. Let the professionals do their job.

Dedicated to all the geeks around. Those who love their computers more than the girls around

Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who’s right. You are in Kolkata

Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on. That’s “Amchi Mumbai”…busy place dude…

Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace… The first two get together & beat him up. That’s Delhi

Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai-stall That’s Ahmedabad .

Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he Writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn’t stop b’cos of a bug in the program. That’s Bangalore.

Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A Guy comes along and quietly says that “AMMA” doesn’t Like all this nonsense. Peace comes in. That’s Chennai.

Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on their mobiles Now 50 guys are fighting. You are DEFINITELY IN PUNJAB!!!

Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer. All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home as friends. You are in Goa.

Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes and resolve their fight with the help of others passing over their.
You are in the Heart of India( M.P).

Scenario 10
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house. And says” aamchya
gharasamor bhandu naka, dusarikade jaun bhanda ( don’t fight in front of my place, go somewhere else and keep fighting)”. That’s Pune for sure!!!

To the left or to the right?

Can’t make up your mind?

Look carefully at the picture again.

Still don’t know?

‘The bus is traveling to the right.’

Why…….?

‘Because you can’t see the door to get on the bus.’

Is this what they mean by “Operator Overloading?”

2. Why is the place in a stadium where people sit,
Called a STAND?

3. Why is that everyone wants to go to heaven,
But nobody wants to die?

4. Shall I say that there is racial discrimination even in chess,
As the white piece is moved first?

Think about it…!!!

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE .”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position? The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!”

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50.” The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !!

Welcome to Stock Market!!!

*Have a nice day! —- Achcha din lo!*

*What’s up? —– Uppar kya hai?*

*You’re kidding! —– Tum bachcha bana rahe ho!*

*Don’t kid me! —– Mera bachcha mat banaao! *

*Yo, baby! What’s up? —– Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?*

*Cool man! —– Thandaa aadmi!*

*Check this out, man! —- Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi!*

*Don’t mess with me, dude. —– Mere saath gandagi mat karo, e vyakti.*

*She’s so fine! —– Who itnee baareek hai!

Listen buddy, that chick’s mine, okay!? —– Suno dost, who chooza mera
hai, theek?

*Hey good looking; what’s cooking? —- Arrey sundarta ki devi; kya pakaa
rahee ho?*

*Are you nuts? —– Kya aap akhrot hain?*

*Son of a gun. —– Bachcha bandook ka.*

*Rock the party. —- Party mein patthar feko. *

*And the best ones are…..*

*How do you do? —– Kaise karte ho?*

*Keep in touch! —– Chhoote Raho.*

*Lets hang out! —– Chalo bahar latakte*

Moral of the Story: In Management Education, we are taught to explain things in short and exact rather than providing number of useless theories.

FISHERMAN :-Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

SALESMAN:- Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor’s around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!

ECONOMIST:-I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

MATHEMATICIAN:-Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT CONSULTANT:-Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.

BUSINESS MAN:-Wife wanted for company.

POLITICIAN:-I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live,to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society…………….. (etc etc and never getting to the point)

CAR DEALER:-Wanted a sturdy, reliable,low depreciating wife.Should be in excellent working condition.

FARMER:-Wanted a wife from good stock.Required for breading.

LAWYER:- I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I’m looking for should be strictly -a girl.The girl should be strictly a girl,with evidence to support this view that she is a girl.The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of MyLordi.e.Myself.Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained.

10. I think of you as a brother.
You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”

9. There’s a slight difference in our ages.
I don’t want to do my dad

8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way.
You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.

7. My life is too complicated right now.
I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.

6. I’ve got a boyfriend
I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.

5. I don’t date men where I work.
I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.

4. It’s not you, it’s me.
It’s you.

3. I’m concentrating on my career.
Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

2. I’m celibate.
I’ve sworn off only the men like you.

1. Let’s be friends.
I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet. It’s that male perspective thing

Please don’t neglect. Otherwise my mummy will scold me.

Cursing him for disturbing my hot tub bath plan, I re entered the bathroom. The water was still warm though not hot as I wanted it to be. Being too tired to turn on the geezer and wait again; I ordered myself to adjust with the warm water. Just when I was about to enter the tub, “Ishq ishq karna hai karle……” (Its my ringtone). I set off in the direction of the sound to explore where my mobile is located. After walking a little to and fro, finally I discovered the location of my mobile.
“Hello Sir. I’m talking from XYZ bank. Our database shows that you have to submit the installment of your bike today. This is just a reminder call.” All right you maniac. I manage my schedulaer properly and I know the dates. You don’t need to remind me. “Thank you for reminding”. I took a polite tone. After all, how could I be rude to a girl
“Sir, would you like to know about our new crdit card scheme? Its specially beneficial for the students and working people. I am sure you will like the scheme”. I had listened about this new scheme 10 times from 10 different girls. There is only one good thing about these schemes. Boys don’t call to inform about these schemes. At least we get to listen to different girls each time.
“No thanks. I am already aware of the latest schemes in the bank.” As politely as I can.
“Ok Sir. I hope you are also aware of the tele-banking and sms banking facilities provided by our bank”. Now I was irritated..
“Yes I know. And I also know about E-mail banking. I know how to keep my PIN secure and I can take all precautions while using the SMS banking and Mail banking. Now will you please shut off that phone?” I would have slapped the girl if only she would be in front of me..
“Sorry Sir. Have a good day”. She hung up the phone.

I got back to the bathroom. The water was cold by now. I turned on the geezer and waited for another 15 minutes. The water was as hot as I wanted. Hoping no disturbance now, I went to bathroom and just as I was about to enter the tub, “Ting tong”.. No.. Not again!!!
I was now fuming on those bloody disturbing bugs. Why the hell are they disturbing my hot tub bath? Furious, I turned back and started walking furiously towards the door. “Dhamm”.. A bog sound. I had put up my foot on a skating shoe of my roomie. And had fallen down on the floor. My body was paining like hell and I was unable to get up. Somehow I managed to get up and approach the doctor.
The doc inspected me and said ” Don’t worry young man. Nothing serious.. The body is paining due to the composite effect of the traveling and the minor injuries to bones. All you need is a hot tub bath to warmen up your bones”.

Hot Tub Bath? That’s what I was trying to have since morning.. I left the clinic laughing at myself..

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or loo king up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, She’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.. ” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet aren’t empty.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples”.

Step 1: Go to Google Translation

Step 2: Enter the following line into the translate Textbox:

Step 3: Translate from English to Spanish.

Step 4: Copy the translated text, and translate it back from Spanish to English – and see what you get.

Doesn’t Google Translation Rock?

But finally there is one real of these chains. If you won’t refer this blog to 10 people, your thumb will get injured while typing SMS…!!! And this is very serious. Don’t take it lightly. Mr. Mruduaiyyar Peregullamma Athrvashekhara Chinmayananda Swamy from Madurai neglected this. Well, he didn’t get his thumb injured. But his cat was hit badly by the street rat running through his house. Mr. Kartar Singh from Ludhiana laughed on this post when he read this. Well he too didn’t got his thumb injured. But next day only, 5 of his hairs fell down while having bath. So you can see, though it doesn’t achieve its desired effect, it surely does something.. So Be aware. Don’t take risk..

If you refer this blog to 15 or more friends, do you expect some good luck in return? Forget it..! I’m not the God. All I can provide in return is some quality reading to those 15 friends you have referred.

zindagi se hara hua hai, par “Bugs” se haar nahi manata,
Apne application ki ek ek line ise rati hui hai,
par aaj kaun se rang ke moje pehne hain , ye nahi janata,
din par din ek excel file banata ja raha hai
Wo dekho ek Software Engineer ja raha hai,

das hazaar line ke code main error dhoond lete hain lekin,
majboor dost ki ankhon ki nami dikhayi nahi deti,
pc pe hazaar windows khuli hain,
par dil ki khidki pe koi dastak sunayi nahi deti,
satuday-sunday nahata nahi, week days ko naha raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

Coding karte karte pata hi nahi chala,
bugs ki priority kab maa-baap se high ho gayi,
kitabon main gulab rakhne wala ,
cigerette ke dhuyen main kho gaya,
dil ki zameen se armaanon ki vidayi ho gayi,
weekends pe daroo peke jo jashna mana raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

maze lena ho iske to pooch lo,
“Salary Increment” ki party kab dila rahe ho,
hansi udana ho to pooch lo,
“Onsite” kab ja rahe ho?
wo dekho onsite se laute team-mate ki chocolates kha raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

kharche badh rahe hain, baal kam ho rahe hain,
KPA ki date ati nahi, Income Tax ke sitam ho rahe hain,
lo phir se bus choot gayi, Auto se aa raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

Pizza gale se nahi utarta, to “Coke” ke sahare nigal liya jata hai,
office ki “Thali” dekh munh hai bigadta,
maa ke hath ka wo khana baar roz yaad ata hai,
“Sprout bhel” bani hai phir bhi,
free “Evening Snacks” kha raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

aapne ab tak li hongi bahut si chutkiya,
Software engg. ke jivan ka sach batati ye akhri kuch panktiyan,
hazaron ki tankhwah wala, company ki karodon ki jeb bharta hai,
software engg. wahi ban sakta hai, jo lohe ka jigar rakhta hai,
hum log jee jee ke marte hain , zindagi hai kuch aisi,
ek fauj ki naukri, doosri software engg. ki , dono ek jaisi,
is kavita ka har shabd dil ki gehrayi se aa raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Software engineer ja raha hai,

Way I:

Girl: Hi Sir, this is Pooja calling from ICICI Bank.
Me: Oh, Pooja, nice to hear your voice!
Girl: (amused by reaction) Sir, we are offering home loans for 12% interest.
Me: Oh, is that so? It’s good, but I have an offer from another bank which is giving home loan for only 2% interest!
Girl: Only 2% interest?
Me: Yeah, it’s only 2%, seriously.
Girl: Which bank, Sir? I do not think any bank is offering at this interest rate.

Me: (lowering my voice) I can’t tell you, you know it’s a private bank!
Girl: No Sir, it’s not possible. If that’s the case, then, I’m also interested.
Me: If you want to know the name of the bank, give your mobile number or e-mail ID as I cannot disclose this information over phone. I am bound not to disclose the details.

Girl: Okay.
She disconnects the call.

Way II:

Girl: Hello Sir, I am Pooja calling from …
Me: (interrupting her) Hang on for a moment … (taking my time) …Okay let’s play “Kaun Banega Crorepati”* with… sorry, I forgot your name?

Girl: Sorry …
Me: What’s your name, Madam? Am I speaking in an alien language?
Girl: Pooja
Me: Audience, we have Pooja on our hot seat. Let’s play “Kaun Banega Crorepati” with Pooja. (of course, mimicking Big B’s accent)

Here is the first question to Pooja for 1,000 rupees on your computer screen. (adding standard KBC music)
Which bank you are calling from? a) ICICI (b) HDFC (c) Deutsche (d) Others
Girl: Funny (light laugh)…Okay, I am calling from HDFC.
Me: Computer, please lock (b) HDFC …And yes (b) HDFC is the right answer. You have won 1,000 rupees!
Girl: Sir, are you interested in … (again interruption by me)
Me: (my own voice) Aren’t you enjoying it? I think YES (switching back to Big B voice again) Ready for another question? And here goes the second question for 2,000 rupees on your computer screen. What is the reason behind your call to me?

(a) Credit/debit card (b) Home loan/personal loan (c) Mutual fund (d) Others
Girl: Okay, it’s enough. Are you interested in free Gold Credit Card offered by us?
Me: Oh no, wrong answer. Sorry Poojaji, I already have credit card from ICICI. I have been telling the participants that whenever you have doubt in mind, go for the life lines. And you have not used any of your life lines. What a pity!

She hangs up. (as expected)

Heading

First Week

Second Week

Third Week

Fourth Week

a)Bank Balance

20000

2000

200

20

b) Conveyance

Auto (“I can afford it”)

Share Auto (“I would like to share. I am selfless!”)

Bus (“Public figures should travel by public transport”)

Walk (“Good for health”)

c) Girl Friends

Eena , Meena & Tina (“I can BUY love”)

Meena &Tina (“I have enough girl friends”)

Tina (“I am loyal to her”)

“Huh! There is no pure love on earth!”

d) Mobile Maintenance

Frequent outgoing calls (“This is what mobile is invented for”)

Restricted outgoing calls (“I should not create unnecessary traffic on mobile lines”)

Rare outgoing calls (“Mobile should be used in urgent situations only”)

Only incoming calls (“I am not going to call her until she calls me”)

e) Boozing

“Come, let’s go to Goa and freak out!

“Man, there is nothing in Goa . Let’s go to Mysore .”

“The best place to booze on earth is our house itself. What say?”

“Drinking is injurious to health.”

HR MGR said.’ Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.’

The man replied ‘But I don’t have a computer, neither an email.’

I’m sorry’, said the HR manager, ‘If you don’t have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.’

The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.

He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, ‘I don’t have an email’. The broker answered curiously, ‘You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!’

The man thought for a while and replied, ‘Yes, I’d be an office boy at Microsoft!’

Moral of the story:
M1 – Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 – If you don’t have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 – If you are reading this message on blog, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire……….

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile….Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached
Date: 10 nov 2006
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I’ve just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Your loving Hubby

The man below says, “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, Hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude.”

“You must be a programmer” says the balloonist. “I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is Technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your Information and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says, “You must be a project manager.” “Yes, I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where You are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to Keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.”

A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What’s the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You’ll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The
tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
User: Letme know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.

Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Non living things can’t communicate.

Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.

Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?

Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin’s friend.

Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.

Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus dep ot.

Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.

Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.

Q. What is the exact diffe rence between Unicast and Multicast object ?
A. If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast

had it all and we caught bukhaar,
jimy puked, joey got ulcers,
and Bagga ne maari dakar.

Oh when I went back there now,
the food was as stale as ever,
and though it was 1999,
still the sambhar was being served over there,

that was the worst food of my life.

Therez no use in complaining,
when you got no other place to eat,
rushed in the evening to the doctors clinic, but he too was at the toilet seat, yeah

standing there waiting outside,
nurse told me I will wait forever,
oh and when I held my breath,
I knew that I had to use that loo there
That was the worst food of my life.

Back to the sambhar of 69.

Man I was getting killed,
I was full and restless,
I needed to unwind,
I guess nothing can wait forever – FOREVER… NO!!!!

And now the dhabas are changing

An American soldier was deported to Iraq and after being there for a
while he received a long awaited letter from his girlfriend back home, which
reads:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer accept our relationship. The distance between us is drifting us apart. I have to admit that I have already betrayed you twice, which is not fair
for either one of us. I am sorry and I hope that you will forgive me and send me back my picture, which you always carry around.

Kisses,
Becky.

The soldier, feeling offended and hurt, asks his friends in the army to all lend him as many pictures they have of girlfriends, mothers, sisters, female cousins, etc… He gathers 57 pictures, which he places in an envelope and writes the following note:

Dear Becky,
I am sorry but I could not remember who exactly you are. So could you please be an angel and pick up your picture from among the rest and send them back to me?!

Good luck,
Ricky

Dear Sweetheart,
I can’t send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.
5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don’t worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!

Your Sweet Heart
Adonis

—-
Dinesh Soni
9890897198

Customer: “Heloo, can I order..”

Operator : “Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?”

Customer: “It’s eh…, hold on……6102049998-45-54610″

Operator : “OK… you’re… Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Yourhome number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?”

Customer: “Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?”

Operator : “We are connected to the system Sir”

Customer: “May I order your Seafood Pizza…”

Operator : “That’s not a good idea Sir”

Customer: “How come?”

Operator : “According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir”

Customer: “What?… What do you recommend then?”

Operator : “Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it”

Customer: “How do you know for sure?”

Operator : “You borrowed a book entitled “Popular Hokkien Dishes” from the National Library last week Sir”

Customer: “OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?”

Operator : “That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99″

Customer: “Can I pay by credit card?”

Operator : “I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.”

Customer: “I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives”

Operator : “You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today”

Customer: “Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?”

Operator : “About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can’t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…”

Customer: ” Wat!”

Operator : “According to the details in system , you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…”

Customer: ” *’!^ *%^**%^I7*”

Operator : “Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th June you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman… ?”

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : “Is there anything else Sir?”

Customer: “Nothing… by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?”

Operator : “We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic……. “

—-
Dinesh Soni
9890897198

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died was shot at and almost died

*Year 2005*

1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Australia lost the Ashes (again)
4. Pope Died (again)

Moral of the story – In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry….
Please warn the Pope!!!!

Forwarded by Kedar Bhave

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Gita why she is an Indian. “Well”, my mom and dad are Indians, “so I’m an Indian too.” The teacher is now angry.

“That’s no reason”, she says loudly “if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what you would be then?”A pause and a smile.

“Then” says Gita, “I’d be an American.”

Friends of women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend’s apartment overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none of them confirm that.

Friends of men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend’s apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them..

—
Smile Happiness is being counted

Ramu : Hey.. My submarine is not sinking into the water!! What could be wrong?
Somu : may be u have used float instead of double in the software.

PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500 rupees to Suthi..?
Bull : Sure.. Why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether its pass by
Value or pass by reference.
PS : ???!!!

Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a
Software engineer…
Somu : how do u say that?
Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!

Ramu : I think the SW Engg who is sitting in the next cabin must
Be a farmer before …
Somu : How do u know…?
Ramu : he asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields..!!

Computer : Please sit over the hard disk to compress the files!

Computer : please pour Engine oil in the floppy drive to enhance the
Performance of Search Engine.

Ramu : why people are beating that SW engg black and blue?
Somu : it seems, he asked one of them that whether “vande mataram” is
New kind of RAM in the market!

Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW Engg is very very naive..
Somu : How do u say that?
Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabian Sea.

Ramu : Hey…. what’s time now?
Somu : System time or local time…??

Ramu : Hey.. I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
Somu : may be, its internal buses are on strike.. Check out!

Ramu : (while browsing the TV) what is this? I have heard of Star Sports, Star Movies and Star Plus. What’s this Star Equals??? Is it a new Star Channel?
Somu : No. = operator has been overloaded in Star Channel.

Geetha : I think that SW Engg is very naive..
Seetha : how do u say that?
Geetha : He believes “Rascal” is a new version of Pascal!

Ramesh : Hey.. U know.. Microsoft Visual C++ 5.0 has got everything…
The Developer Studio can really do magic…
Umesh : Can we use that to develop the photo-negatives?

Ramu : why are u wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth?
Somu : clear command is not working properly for my terminal. that’s why?

Babu : yesterday I bought a new TV whose terminal is compatible with
computer… but its audio portion is not at all working :-
Gopu : may be its compatible only with dumb terminals???

Vani : We have shifted our home to Pune now..
Soni : right shift or left shift??

Kannamma : do u have Design Specs for brinjal sambar?
Ponnamma : u mean recipe..?

Ramu : Somu, I am going to file a case against my landlord yaar. He’s harassing me too much.
Somu : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case?

Vanish : Hey.. why is that sardaarji inserting a cover into the floppy drive?
Bull : He wants to send an e-mail it seems! (E-mail == Empty mail)

CALCUTTA’s Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

“His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

“His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species.Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating.Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

“His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

“He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side.This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch.So the grasses head is not crushed.At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

“This is the cow.”

P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam

Source: Kedar Bhave’s forwards

2. Dinesh’s Second Law:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

3. Dinesh’s Third Law:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

4. Dinesh’s Fourth Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then one woodpecker could destroy all of civilization.

5. Dinesh’s Fifth Law:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

6. Dinesh’s Sixth Law:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

7. Dinesh’s Seventh Law:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

8. Dinesh’s Eight Law:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

9. Dinesh’s Ninth Law:
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

10. Dinesh’s Tenth Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

11. Dinesh’s Eleventh Law:
A fatal error will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

12. Dinesh’s Twelfth Law:
New systems generate new problems.

13. Dinesh’s Final Law:
All’s well that ends.

1) DIL CHAHTA HAI
Kabhi Naa Aayen KT ke Din,
Pass Ho Jaye Hum ,
Copying ke Bin

Din Din Bhar Ho ,
Lectures Ki Baatein,
Assignments Mein Beete ,
Saari Raate,

Busy Ho Kar Bhool Jaye Yeh Jahan,
IT Revive Ho Jaye Aur Aane Lage Ladkiyan …….
DIL CHAHTA Hai

Aisa Ajab Ye Course Hai,
Dekho Toh Har Koi KT Se Suffer Hai,
Humko Jaana Kidhar Hai? US? Bngalore? Ya Ulhasnagar?
OH Oh oh ooooooo ……

2) WOH PEON HAI KAHAN
Jise Dhoondta Hu Main , Har Ghadi,
Jo Kabhi Mujhe Hai Nahi Mile,
Jispe Kar Sakoon Main Yakein,
WOH PEON HAI KAHAN?

Jise Meri Attendance Ka Dhyan Ho,
Questions Papers Ka Bhi Gyaan Ho,
PRINCI Se Bhi Pehchaan Ho,
WOH PEON HAI KAHAN ?????

3)DIL CHAHTA HAI (Reprise)
Sar Khaata Hai,
Principal Apna Poore Hi Din,
Sar Khaata Hai,
Bhashan Deta Hai Kaaran Ke Bin,

Din Din Bhar Woh Maarta Hai Round,
Kabhi LCR , Kabhi College Ground,
Hum Chuppe Woh Milta Hai Vahan,
Na Jaane Bhatakta Woh Mil Jaaye Kahan…..
Sar Khaata Hai

4)JAANE KYON
JAANE KYON Log Attend Karte Hain… JAANE KYON,
Lectures Attend Karne Mein Rakha Kya Hai,
Class Mein Jo Baithe Woh Tanha Hai,
Baaju Mein Jaane Ko Canteen Hai
TP Karne Ke Liye Library Aur Gym Hai.
Log Chupp Chupp Ke Proxy Dete Hain,
JAANE KYON Aap He Yu Darte Hain,
JAANE KYON …….

5) KOI KAHE
KOI KAHE , Kahta Rahe Professors Ka Kaam Hai Pakana,
Princi Ke Saamne , Kabhi Nahi Ban Ne Ka Shaana,
Jab Class Hai Time Pass Hai,
Phir Kis Liye Karna Assignment,
College Mein Baithana To Hai Ek Punishment,
Bill Gates College – Nahin Gaya Hai
Dhiru Bhai Bhi – Nahin Gaya Hai
Tum Bhi Kabhi Mat Jao

Prof Bhadke – Bhadkane Do,
Black List Nikle – Nikal ne Do
Na Ghabrao Students Naya

Source: Kedar Bhave’s Forwards

Never love a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house,

Never love a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in NHERITANCE,

Never love a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS,

Never Love a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.

Never love a ASP girl,she Always Satisfies People.

Never love a UNIX girl,she always dump u with a core,

Never love a PASCAL girlshe always scolds u as rascal,

Never love a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.

Never love a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.

Better love a girl not belongs to SOFTWARE FAMILY…..

The stamps are designed, printed, and released. Bush is very pleased.

Within a few days, there are complaints that the stamp does not stick, and Bush is
infuriated when he hears of this.

He calls in his team of experts to investigate the matter.

The team conducts a detailed study of the matter and produces a report.

The report concludes, “There is no problem with the quality of the stamp, the problem is that people are spitting on the wrong side.”

Now this is what i call as real adventure….

“Well, Bill,” said God, “I’m really confused on this one. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows.

“I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.” Bill replied, “Well thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?” God said, “You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you

decide. Shall we look at Hell first?” “Sure” said Bill, “Let’s go!”

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. “This is great!” said Bill. “If this is Hell, I can’t wait to see heaven.”

God replied, “Let’s go!” and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. “God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell.”

“As you desire,” said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

“How ya doin’, Bill?” asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, “This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?”

“Oh THAT?” said God.

“That was the Screen Saver.”

Source:- Friend’s forward

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks “What do they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.” “But that is exactly the same as all the other hells – why are there so many people waiting to get in?

“Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil was a I.T engineer, so he swipes the card, comes in, checks his mails and then goes to the cafeteria…”

George bush method:

Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Mathematical Methods

The Hilbert (axiomatic) method

We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that we introduce the following logical system:

Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.

Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a lion in the cage.

Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds: “P implies Q”, then Q is a theorem.

Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.

The geometrical inversion method

We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from inside. We then performe an inversion with respect to the cage. Then the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside.

The projective geometry method

Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface. We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an interiour point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same point.

The Bolzano-Weierstraß method

Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is then either in the eastern or in the western part. Let’s assume it is in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. Let’s assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of arbitrarily small diameter.

The set theoretical method

We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us.

The Peano method

In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to its own length.

A topological method

We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then completely helpless.

The Cauchy method

We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider the integral

1 [ f(z)

------- | --------- dz

2 \pi i ] z – \zeta

C

where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3].

The Wiener-Tauber method

We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity), whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the general Wiener-Tauber theorem [4] every other lion L will converge toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].)

Theoretical Physics Methods

The Dirac method

We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader.

Newton’s Method:

Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired so Now you can trap it easily.

The Schrödinger method

At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait.

The nuclear physics method

Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator [6] on it and a wild lion.

As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument’s sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.

A relativistic method

All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger.

Experimental Physics Methods

The thermodynamics method

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions pass through. This we drag across the desert.

The atomic fission method

We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.

The magneto-optical method

We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria) such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal component of the earth’s magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the field’s foci. Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the lions are oriented parallel to the earth’s magnetic field and the resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.

Contributions from Computer Science

The search method

We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to the north of the point where we are standing. Therefore the REAL problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to solve the problem.

The parallel search method

By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the north much faster than earlier.

The Monte-Carlo method

We pick a random number indexing the space we search. By excluding neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number of points we need to consider. The lion will according to probability appear sooner or later.

The practical approach

We see a rabbit very close to us. Since it is already dead, it is particularly easy to catch. We therefore catch it and call it a lion.

The common language approach

If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be trivial to solve.

The standard approach

We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123. Since CCITT have specified a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a harmonized standard to appear. $20,000,000 have been funded for initial investigations into this standard development.

Linear search

Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert. Take one step east. Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right hand edge. If you reach the right hand edge, take one step southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge. When you finally reach the lion, put it the cage. If the lion should happen to eat you before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and try again.

Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

The Dijkstra approach

The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara Desert. Another way of stating the problem is:

Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts

Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara

Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage)

We observe the following invariant:

P1: C(L) v not(C(L))

where C(L) means: the value of “L” is in the cage.

Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement

;cage := {}

Note 0:

This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking out any lions that happen to be there initially.

(End of note 0.)

The obvious program structure is then:

;cage := {}

;do NOT (C(L)) ->

;”approach lion under invariance of P1″

;if P(L) ->

;”insert lion in cage”

[] not P(L) ->

;skip

;fi

;od

where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm’s reach.

Note 1:

Axiom 2 ensures that the loop terminates.

(End of note 1.)

Exercise 0:

Refine the step “Approach lion under invariance of P1″.

(End of exercise 0.)

Note 2:

The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to abortion if the value of L is “lioness”.

(End of note 2.)

Remark 0:

This may be a new sense of the word “robust” for you.

(End of remark 0.)

Note 3:

From observation we can see that the above program leads to the desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to run it.

(End of note 3.)

(End of approach.)

Indian Methods

Indian Police Method:

catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.

Rajnikanth Method :

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Jayalalitha Method:

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it’s sleeping !

Manirathnam Method :

Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method :

Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness(third) into the forest. You don’t understand right… ok….read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont !

Yash Chopra method :

Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 hours.

Menaka Gandhi method:

save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

Ravi Shastri method:

Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run

I’m currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can’t find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Golfware, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn’t completely uninstalled!

I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions, there are still some problems. The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can’t understand, much less reprogram. And I’ve never liked how Girlfriend is totally ‘object-oriented.’

A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiance9e 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a ‘huge resource hog.’ It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex (particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has an automatic popup feature he can’t turn off.

I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway, due to insufficient resources. If anybody out there is able to offer technical advice…